If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.