I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch