When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
everyone’s a critic
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening