“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
lmao
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.