True.
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait