My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.