Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!