time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.