[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe