Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Friday night party time 🥳
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol