Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.