[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.