Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
happy friday
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Love this one 😂🧟
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
i actually laughed 😩
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: