I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I hope the aliens aren鈥檛 good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don鈥檛.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
fianc茅e: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it鈥檚 39 million more years of moss
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you鈥檒l agree it鈥檚 one hell of an opening.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
every single time
The first rule of Swim Club is don鈥檛 talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister鈥檚 friends she wasn鈥檛 home it was so I didn鈥檛 have to take the phone to her.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.