My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”