Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
never forget
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday