Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.