It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
pelicons
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that