Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Effort made
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Facebook memories be like
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.