The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.