If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Not recommended for beginners.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
finally found a reasonable question
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
describing stardew valley
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]