Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.