Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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wut hotdog?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
courtroom exchange of the day
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong