The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me if I was a dog
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*