“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Namaste
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again