[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
want me to check your oil?
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement