her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*