my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This made me chuckle.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
my nickname in college
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad