Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii