If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????