i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
how to market bottled water to dads
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.