[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here