The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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Canadian owl: Eh?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
me after drinking all the wine:
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood