I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no