Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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