Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I have no passwords left in me
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.