[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.