How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime