wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
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Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Oh, I bet you would be
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.