if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
A family that plays together cheats.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body