*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Challenge accepted.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
But is it really??
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I need to update my racial profile.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.