They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
This is a whole mood;
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.