I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.