Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My Plans 2020
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Did…did a minotaur write this