Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart