Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Is….Is this an option?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.