Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen