Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’