my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
You Might Also Like
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
oppen heimer style lol
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”