Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Is your wife single?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.